on facing a fearless future

I do love a bit of alliteration...

The above is a photo of the dazzling sunset I enjoyed whilst visiting Lake Garda last week (more on that soon!). I tried to drink in its beauty, to capture a sense of calm and stillness that too often escapes me in day to day life.

As I approach the sunset years of my twenties (I have just over two more to go), I have such a desperate desire for them to be just as dazzling, just as uniquely beautiful - I actually find myself having similar outbursts of passionate creativity and a manic sense of drive and fervour, to those that I thought I had left behind in my teenage years.

The difference is that I am no longer fearless, and I have responsibilities, and I am more realistic. I am also happier, more fulfilled, healthier in mind and body. With so many people, experiences and opportunities on my side, I should be ready to fly - someone will always catch me, and that someone could be me. It's not always easy, but I've learnt and am learning that trying is everything, that dusting yourself off is to shed a skin and start anew.

In a peculiar way, I'm fearful that being as content as I am is threatening my future happiness and growth. It's too easy to run for comfort and hide behind the good things - my family, friends, the roof above my ahead, a respectable career that pays the bills, the delicious food on the table. As grateful as I am for all of these luxuries, I'm guilty of letting them be an excuse - "I don't need to take risks, I don't need to be fearless - I have everything I want and it should be enough, it's more than I deserve."

It probably is more than I deserve. But I know that I need more - I do need to take risks, I do need to be fearless. To tackle and challenge and achieve without reservation. More than anything, this is what I want for myself. I only have as much to lose as I ever have, so why does it feel so much heavier, so much harder to jump and let go?

I assume that these are the pains and pleasures of being an adult on the cusp - the world is my terrifying and exhilarating oyster, and sometimes its brilliance blinds me. But I'll blink a few times, step back, and the black will fade and clear.